I'm here for you

[elinorwise]

Очень в тему недавнего перепоста про Марка.
Эдуардо Саверин: He needed his heart broken because it was the only way he was ever going to come into his own.

Осторожно, под катом довольно большой кусок убористого текста на английском. Тот факт, что я это асилила, очевидно, много говорит о моем отношении к Вардо ))
let’s talk about eduardo saverin, guys. let’s talk about this kid. i have re-watched this movie several times today from this child’s point of view and it is kind of amazing to me how this is just as much mark’s journey to distinguish himself as it is wardo’s because while mark’s difficulty lies in his inability to interface with those around him, wardo’s lies in his inability to believe in himself. eduardo has little to no faith in himself and this story, for him, is about him finding a way to come into his own, his own voice, his own set of beliefs and not just his beliefs because he had those all along, but the courage to actually stand by those beliefs. from the outside, eduardo saverin is a very accomplished individual, more accomplished than mark some might say pre-facebook. he is the president of the harvard’s investors association. he made $300,000 betting oil futures in one summer. he is well liked. he is not without charm or ambition, but he is painfully insecure. he is an actual minefield of insecurities. eduardo is the first person to downplay his achievements. he is the first person dismiss his own concerns, his own misgivings, however valid they are and they usually are. he has a moral compass (as seen in the scene re: the creation of facemash - “you mean other students?…do you think this is such a good idea?” -, but he falters. he doesn’t follow through with his convictions because he doesn’t have a voice yet. not a real one anyway. not one he can project to be heard. the only other prominent figure we know of in his life is an unseen father, a father who without appearing once on screen we know is incredibly hard on his son (“my father won’t even look at me.”), a father who eduardo is desperate to impress and that is what eduardo is all about in the end. he wants to please people. he wants so badly to please people because he can’t please himself. his relationship with mark is unhealthy in many aspects, but the most glaring one of all is the fact that wardo has put mark on a pedestal and he puts him up there because what do you do when you can’t love yourself? you refocus your energies on someone or something outside yourself and i truly believe that is what wardo did with mark. i’m here for you, he says, and it is not a lie. he is there for him because he has chosen to be there for him. he is there for him and the implication in that statement is that he’s not there for himself. the intensity that wardo approaches his relationship with mark is borne from wardo’s own self doubts and it is even more troubling because mark is plenty insecure himself, but he does the opposite of what eduardo does. while eduardo dismisses himself, mark dismisses other people rather than himself and that makes them toxic for each other. when mark tells him, don’t worry if you don’t make it any further in regards to making the second phoenix cut, that is him belittling eduardo’s success not to be cruel (that’s not his motivation) but because in order for him to acknowledge wardo in that moment, acknowledge wardo making the second cut, mark would have to acknowledge that he himself is lacking and that is something he is unwilling to do, especially as he’s consumed with building his own final club via the internet. we begin this story with mark being obsessed with final clubs and to know that his best friend could do what he couldn’t do is painful for him. so he diminishes it and by extension he diminishes eduardo and eduardo for his part is visibly hurt (a pain he almost instantly puts away because he is proud of mark and of the work mark’s doing so he smiles even as he’s turned away), but the fact of the matter is mark never says anything that wardo hadn’t already thought himself. all mark does is reinforce wardo’s own belief that he is not good enough, that this is all a stroke of luck, and he takes it. he takes it because it’s easier for him to believe that than to believe that he got to this place on his own merits. that he is special enough to be chosen to be a part of this group of people who pride themselves on being selective and exclusive to the extreme. getting into the phoenix for wardo is so much more than getting into a fraternity. it is so much more than just being a part of a final club, having that unique distinction to his name. it is so important to his narrative. it is so important because this is not an individual, not one person, but entire organization who hand picked him out of a sea of peers and said eduardo saverin, we want you. i don’t think anyone had ever done that for him. wardo does that for mark. he does it for mark time and time again and mark has his moments where he reciprocates the affections wardo dishes out, in his own understated way he does care, but that relationship is set to hold mark up while pinnig wardo down and that’s not mark’s fault. he plays into it, yes, but the blame doesn’t reside with him and him alone. it’s wardo. it’s wardo pushing further and further into himself and hoisting mark up because he believes he’s not worth as much. he’s not enough. so he tries to be enough for mark. he does everything he can to be enough for him and when he gets punched by the phoenix, it’s a moment of amazing validation and at the same time disbelief. it’s a much needed self-esteem boost, but at the same time, he’s still wardo. he’s happy about it, but also quick to believe that there must be some sort of explanation for it. a diversity thing. those are his words, words later parroted back at him by mark, who again is dismissive of wardo in an effort to protect himself. their self-doubts work in tandem. mark reaffirms for wardo what wardo was already thinking in his own head despite his initial happiness, a happiness mark can’t share in because it would mean confronting the fact that he couldn’t do what wardo managed to do. what wardo did without obsessing for weeks on end like mark did. here mark is breaking out of the mold by creating his own social hierarchy, a social hierarchy he can control, and his friend has managed to break through the social hierarchy that prompted him in this direction in the first place. that’s huge. it also says a lot about eduardo that even before they go outside, he sees mark’s face at the news, a face that is clearly unhappy and he’s so quick to call attention back to mark. mark, he says, you had something to tell me and that redirection of the conversation away from him is classic eduardo. he redirects the focus off himself. that is what’s key. he redirects it onto mark, but that’s not the point. the point is he puts himself below mark. he puts himself below him because eduardo doesn’t want to see mark hurt. he doesn’t want to see him hurt because they’re friends of course, but at the same time, it’s because he’s made him his whole world. eduardo clearly has other friends, but like i said, he’s chosen mark as the person. the person he will visit at his dorm at two am in the morning without being asked. the person he will stand outside in the cold for while he goes to his hearing with the ad board. the person he will wait outside his dorm room for well past the time they agreed to meet (9 am asshole.) that level of commitment is not because mark is just that great of a person. it’s because wardo thinks he’s not that great of a person. it’s a horrible power balance, one that wardo sets up himself and one that mark abides by without fully understanding that he is feeding into his friend’s own doubts about his self worth and it is frankly painful to watch because while mark is protecting himself wardo is protecting mark and no one is protecting wardo. no one is protecting him. no one. the phoenix is wonderful in that regard because they choose eduardo and not mark and by doing that, they made it about wardo. for once, it was about wardo and only wardo and it is so key that mark is excluded from that because he needed to be excluded from that. wardo needed one thing that was his and the phoenix was it. facebook was always mark’s baby. it was his baby to start with and it’s his baby to end with and yes, for a time, it was both of theirs, but facebook was about mark. that was his vision and yes, wardo helped make it a reality, but the point is that was another example of wardo holding up mark. it was all for mark. it wasn’t about wardo. not really. he needed something of his own, something he couldn’t make about someone else other than himself and getting into this club was his way to define himself as a person not just as someone willing to help someone else’s dream come true. so while mark is down in palo alto making his dream come true and wardo is in new york having quit his internship, riding the subway for however many hours a day, that is wardo giving up everything for mark and it is a decision he makes on his own. he gives up his own internship in order to find a way to fulfill this role mark has bestowed upon him as cfo of the company and he fails, yes, he is unsuccessful, but that is completely besides the point. wardo gives up so much to be what mark needs and all mark sees is no results because that’s how mark functions. he functions in terms of what someone can bring to the table, not the effort they put forth and it’s heartbreaking because wardo has pushed himself into a corner where nothing else matters. his own ambitions, his own dreams, all of that, pale in comparison to mark’s because he’s still operating under the assumption that he’s not enough. he’s not that important. mark’s important. not him. he quit his internship the first day. the first day. an internship he probably worked at getting, an internship that was probably pretty prestigious and in one day, he came to the conclusion that his own desires, the ones separate from mark’s desires, are worth sacrificing. that is incredibly self defeating and not to mention harmful. and the fact that in the end, that all of that comes to nothing? of course, he froze the fucking account. of course, he did. that was one of many glimpses of wardo taking back control, control he previously was happy to let mark have all for himself. it occurs to him that he can’t go on like this. in a relationship, where mark gets everything he wants, is focused solely on what he wants to make happen for himself, while wardo works at making sure he gets everything mark wants, and gives and gives and gives and by doing so is cutting himself down over and over again because when he fails, he is left with nothing. mark forgets to pick him at the airport because mark is his own little bubble where things are working out for him and wardo is not part of that bubble. he doesn’t think about wardo working his ass off in new york. if he does think about wardo, it’s in one of three capacities: a) he misses him - friends miss each other b) whatever wardo is doing is not working out - mark does not see the effort he sees no results and c) he needs wardo out here, here where mark is, here where mark has created an entire world for himself. it is a good thing that wardo never went to california with him. that is a good thing. if he had, he would’ve been swallowed up in mark’s world, in mark’s house that was bought with wardo’s money, money he made himself and willingly gave to foster mark’s vision, and in mark’s dream and either way, that would’ve left wardo with nothing that was truly his own. he needed to be in new york. he needed to realize that he could be left behind. he needed mark to deceive him and he needed his heart broken because it was the only way he was ever going to come into his own. that betrayal was essential for his personal growth as a person because without it he would’ve been forever in mark’s shadow helping mark harvest his hopes while denying his own. wardo needed to get into the phoenix. he needed that space. he needed to be away from mark. the scene where he breaks the laptop is actually beautiful to me now because he walks away triumphant. that is eduardo saverin screaming at the top of his lungs because he never allowed himself that privilege. he is screaming because he’s found his voice, truly found his voice, and he is done being the eduardo everyone knows. he is done being the person that understands and understands and forgives no matter what. he is screaming at mark because that kid in the kirkland dorm room, in this moment, that kid is gone. he accuses him of being jealous because wardo finally gets that mark was jealous. mark was insecure and jealous and wardo never saw him in that light because wardo was too busy being insecure himself and safeguarding mark’s feelings. he does not give a shit about mark’s feelings in that scene and it is beautiful. that is eduardo taking back ownership of his stock in that relationship, a stock that has always belonged to mark previously, that is him saying this is not okay, mark. what you did is not okay and i am done pretending that everything you do is okay. you have hurt me. you have hurt me and i’m going to let you know it and yes, i’m going to randomly accuse you of planting the story about the chicken not because i know you did, but because i can do that now. i can point the finger at you and place blame on your shoulders because i am done placing the blame on myself. it’s your turn to take some fucking responsibility for your actions because i’m not making excuses for you. i’m not making excuses for you because i have come to a point where i matter more than you do. i matter. that is what eduardo is saying in that scene. he smashes that laptop because the eduardo of yesterday wouldn’t have ever done that. i needed to get your attention, he told him months ago over the phone, but now he’s not pleading with mark. wardo is demanding mark’s attention, something he had never done before not to this degree anyway because finally in his own eyes he sees that he can do that. the pain he feels as much as it is destroying him it’s giving him something he never had to his name. it gives him strength. it gives him the opportunity to tell mark off because wardo isn’t going to crawl back inside his own head and ask himself what he did wrong. he is not going to do that. mark is in the wrong and mark will hear him shout and mark will see the tears in his eyes and mark will have to live with that. there are no kid gloves in this scene. there is no ‘it was just a diversity thing’. there is wardo pouring all his feelings into mark’s face and there is no holding back because he knows he deserves this, that they both do (mark deserves to sit there and hear it and eduardo deserves to say it, nay, scream it), and it has taken him a long time to realize this. it has taken him ages, but he lets the floodgates open and that point zero three percent, that number, is a reflection of what wardo thought of himself in this relationship. it was always about mark. always. he says, he’s coming back for everything because he gave everything and mark took and took and wardo let him. wardo let him do that because he didn’t think he was worth that and now he knows he is. he’s coming back for everything because that’s what he’s owed. this wardo is not content with being a fraction of a fraction of a fraction. he knows now he’s more than that and he walks away in a daze of pain and hurt, but also pride. he gets to be proud of himself. when he fake punches sean and pulls back to smile, that is such a gorgeous moment for him. because he could hit him. he could beat him in this one way he could beat sean and win, but he pulls back. he knows sean isn’t worth it. he knows he’s better than sean. he knows he’s better than .03. he’s coming back for everything because he has decided that’s what he deserves and for wardo to come to that conclusion is so great. he walks away from that million member party with almost no shares, without his friend, and it’s the best thing that could’ve happened to him because he’s walking away as someone who has finally come to the realization that they are important. wardo is important in his own eyes and it took him an age to get there. it took a huge play of deception on mark’s part and it took that distance, the one he used to be a member of a society that mark wasn’t a part of and couldn’t be a part of, to know that he didn’t have to do this anymore. he didn’t have to view himself in a light that didn’t allow him to be his own person. that didn’t allow him to fully utilize his voice and fully realize his own dreams. he has worth and it’s not wrapped up in mark, but in himself and he walks away better for it. i truly believe he does. he’s not there for mark anymore. he’s there for himself. finally. ©